Thirty-Three Years of God's Faithfulness

My Ebenezer Stone.

In the Old Testament, there are many instances where people would "set up a stone" to commemorate something the Lord had done. 1 Sam. 7:12 says: "Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen and named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the Lord has helped us."  In the hymn, Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, it says: "Here I raise mine Ebenezer; hither by thy help I come."

"Literally speaking, an Ebenezer is a "stone of help" or a reminder of God's Real, Holy Presence and Divine aid."        (definition from Grace Incarnate Ministries)

In just a few weeks, I will have completed my 3 year treatment for Wegeners. Yesterday in church, as we celebrated God's goodness, people in the congregation got up to give testimony on how God had met them.  I shared this testimony. This is my Ebenezer Stone - it's a reminder of God's holy presence and divine aid that I've experienced these three years.

Ps. 40:10

I will not hide your deliverance within my heart; I will speak of your faithfulness and your salvation; I will not conceal your steadfast love and your faithfulness from the great congregation.

I’d like to give a testimony to God’s deliverance, faithfulness and steadfast love in my life during this past season of suffering I’ve been walking through.

For those of you who are new – or have started coming to church in the last 2 years- you may not know that 3 years ago, I was diagnosed and hospitalized for a rare, life-threatening and incurable auto-immune disease called Wegener’s. Kidney failure sent me to the ER – and, 2 days later-- lung failure sent me to the ICU for just about a month. -  I was intubated and on a ventilator and a couple other machines - and in a coma for a week and half. 

Without treatment, average survival is about 5 months after diagnosis and 90% of people die within 2 years. While I was in the hospital, my rheumatologist said that even with treatment- 50% of her patients with my disease-- die.  In fact, an older man with Wegener’s just down the hall from me did die while I was there. Living with the knowledge that death is a real possibility for me has changed me!

After I got out of the hospital, I was in a wheel chair for a couple months, and had to go to dialysis 3xs a week (12-15 hours a week) for about 4-5 months (not knowing if this would continue for the rest of my life).  At the same time I was also going through 6 months of chemo, lost my hair and had to shave my head, and experienced disfiguring side effects from the high doses of steroids. While my hair has grown back (whoohoo!) I have for the past 2 ½ years been on “maintenance” (low doses) chemo along with steroids to keep the disease at bay.  I’m currently in a drug-induced remission  (Praise God!)– and, God-willing- shortly, I will be weaned off all the drugs.  I feel strong and healthy and praise God for all the ways he’s blessed me with strength and energy and the ability to return to normal activity.

 I am so humbled and grateful to God for the amazing recovery I’ve experienced- by His grace – and for the prayers of this church for me.

We were asked to testify about how God has met us – I have two ways I’d like to highlight:

1). I’d like to thank God for all the ways Ron loved and cared for me during my weakest and darkest days. God used him to tangibly demonstrate Christ’s love and tender care for me: bearing my burdens, and being strong for me when I was so terribly weak and helpless. He was such a picture of God’s love to me!

For the month I was in ICU – he was constantly by my side; sleeping in my room every night, praying over me and reading scripture to me while I was unconscious. He helped the nurses care for me – day and night- and gained a reputation for being “the best husband ever” with the staff.  Instead of putting me in a nursing care / rehab facility for three months after I was discharged from the hospital, he brought me home where he and the girls cared for me themselves: assisting me with everything: dressing, bathing, eating, and carrying me from bed to wheelchair- and wheelchair to car – and wheelchair to the dialysis center – he would wheel me in and need to help lift me out of my wheelchair and into the dialysis chair – and when it was done – do it all in reverse to get me back home. That was a lot of lifting!! He put a new spin on the song – LOVE LIFTED ME! Through it all, Ron was a kind, compassionate, patient, faithful, loving, husband  – a true friend to me when I was at my weakest and unable to do things on my own. Just like Jesus! J I am so grateful to how you showed God’s love to me!

While I am so grateful for the physical health I am enjoying, this morning I especially want to give testimony to a few of the ways God was faithful and worked in my heart during this season of suffering. I want to thank God for not only preserving my life and granting me physical health– but also for meeting me and sustaining me spiritually during the hardest trial I’ve ever had to endure.

Ps 66

-Come and hear, all who fear God, And I will tell of what He has done for my soul.

Physical deliverance is wonderful, but, more importantly, I want to share what God has done in my soul.

I’m grateful to God for delivering me – but I can honestly say that I’m also grateful to God for the trial – because God used it to deepen my faith and my relationship with him.

Nancy Guthrie in her book Be Still My Soul says that Suffering “pushes us deeper into the mystery of God. It makes us more desperate for him, to hear from him and sense his presence.”  - I have experienced this to be true.

Psalm 71:15

My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds, of your saving acts all day long-- though I know not how to relate them all.

There are so many things I could praise God for- but I only have 5 minutes!!

–– but the main thing I’d like to give testimony about is:

.

 2).  God’s presence – God. Was. With. Me! – during pain, during fear, loneliness, isolation, in my weakness… his presence was the anchor and comfort to my soul when I wasn’t sure I was going to live – and fearful I might die. His presence was the calm in the middle of the tornado of fear and uncertainty. His presence was my shelter, my refuge, my strength and my comfort – every.single.step. of the storm-filled journey.

God met me in my deepest need and darkest hours – and gave me help, encouragement, strength, support – he anchored my soul and calmed my fears through the promises in his word – esp. as I spent time in the PSALMS – mining them for comfort.

Ps. 119:50 “My comfort in my suffering is this: your promise preserves my life.”

Two of the promises he gave me at the very beginning- when I was first diagnosed but not yet in the hospital and unaware of all that I would have to experience. I felt the Holy Spirit whisper these words to my soul as I poured out my heart to him in lament:

Isaiah 41

“So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

For I am the Lord your God

who takes hold of your right hand

and says to you, Do not fear;

I will help you.”

Is. 43

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.”

God called me to go through dark and deep waters –but the rivers of sorrow / suffering didn’t overtake me!  

During this time of illness, I have found Christ to be my refuge, my fortress and high-tower and deliverer from my enemies – he truly did hide me under the shadow of his wings! Sometimes, when I remember or retell what I’ve been through – it seems worse to me now than at the time I was living it – I believe his grace and his presence in the moment seemed to shield me from the full brunt of the experience. Walking through this trial, focusing my heart in gratefulness on God’s goodness and seeking God’s presence – I believe- lessened the experience of suffering.

I want you to know that God is faithful. God is good. God is loving- and he is MIGHTY TO SAVE!  His Word is true and His grace is truly sufficient!!

I have found that what he provides during our times of suffering – is HIMSELF – and that is enough – and worth whatever we have to go through in order to know and experience his presence.

Blessed be the name of the Lord – the Holy One of Israel – our Savior.

Valuing Community.

I'm re-reading one of my favorite books. Courtney introduced us to Wendell Berry a few years ago. I've enjoyed looking for his books when we browse through book stores here and there and I occasionally find his treasures hidden in the book-stacks and just have to buy one and take it home.

Hannah Coulter was my first Wendell Berry book - and I think it remains my favorite. Probably because it's written from a woman's perspective. The themes he touches on are farming, relationships, community, the land, and an older, slower way of life that's not desired, valued or protected anymore by the young. His answer to the question: "has progress and technology and education really given us a better life?" - is no. So much of what he has to say in his books about Port William reminds me of the life of a church - of our church. When I read about the characters in his town, I see them reflected in the people we know, in the community we have. He writes about a simple life - but a full one - a life filled with meaning and significance. A life that may appear small - but one that has depth and breadth and one defined by what's truly important - love and relationships.

As I read, I can't help being reminded of the community we have as a church- and the 25 years we've been here - right here- in the middle of a metropolis- and I can relate to some of those themes. Maybe not farming...but valuing and building a community in which we belong to one another. Being in one place for a long time, raising our children together, being in the "trenches" of life together, sharing our struggles,  pains and sorrows, celebrating our joys and victories and helping each other survive. Fighting the notion that progress (or maturity) means "moving on" from here to somewhere else. We've spent years cultivating gratefulness for all the wonderful blessings of this beautiful and sacred life. Even being grateful for those who have come, been a part of us and have since left - each leaving their mark on our community and impact on our lives. The pain and sorrow we've experienced over the years have shaped us and are embedded into the fabric of who we are individually and as a community- and it has made us stronger.

I want to share with you some "snapshots" of community life:
Almost every Sunday for 25 years, I have worshipped with, prayed with, and served with the precious people in our church. I've been in community groups, care groups, youth groups, marriage groups, book groups and Bible studies - where we have dug into God's word, encouraged and challenged each other to grow in our walk with God - We've confessed our sins, asked for forgiveness, prayed for each other, extended grace and forgiveness, offered encouragement and help, gentle correction when needed, and most importantly, we've given and received love... Mentoring and being mentored. Counseling and being counseled. Side by side. Always pointing each other to the Savior - the One who loved us first and causes us to love one another- the One who is our only hope in this life.

Our love and commitment to God has had many practical expressions as well:

Over the years, I've been a part of a quilting group - where we made quilts for our own children or for new mamas as shower gifts. I've participated in all day tamale making parties, cooked and canned with friends, spent afternoons helping young wives and mothers with their housework and cleaning routines or new moms with nursing issues, or an overwhelmed homemaker / mom with organizing,  menu planning or child training tips.

We've helped many friends pack up and move entire households: load moving trucks, unpack truck loads of boxes, set up beds, organize kitchens, put together bedrooms, scrub bathrooms, paint dining rooms, wash windows and refinish wood floors.

I've babysat for young moms, sat in living rooms helping couples hold their marriages together; I've listened, comforted and prayed for parents as they cried over their wayward teens.

We've stood in Judges' chambers 4 different times with friends adopting children - gathered as a community- sometimes packing the room to overflowing -  to support, celebrate and affirm the forever love of these parents toward these children. We've attended bridal showers and weddings as young couples pledge their love and faithfulness to each other and we've watched them start their own families. We've welcomed new babies into countless families with baby showers-loading them up -not only with gifts - but our love, support, encouragement and commitment as well. We've helped friends with the process of searching for and buying homes, learning to be wives and husbands, or raising children.  We've sat and wept with with other friends as they've suffered through the pain and confusion of singleness, betrayal, divorce, infertility, or unexplained illnesses.

We've participated in dozens of kindergarten, 8th grade and high school graduation ceremonies and  senior dinners where parents tearfully and joyfully give speeches of love and encouragement... celebrating these wonderful milestones and cheering on the students who've worked so hard and are now moving on to the next stage of life.

For 25 years, we've been learning with, living alongside and loving this community, sharing our lives, witnessing baby dedications, baptisms and professions of faith; partaking in communion together, celebrating our union in Christ, and our union with each other.

Over the years, I've cooked and brought food to the sick and families with new babies - and I received a couple of months of meals when I was so desperately sick myself. When I was in the hospital for a month, the church rallied and made sure my family was taken care of when I couldn't care for them myself.  I distinctly remember being able to rest in the knowledge that our community would help us. When it looked like I was dying, friends told me later that they were thinking of how they could help Ron raise our daughters without me. And, when I didn't die, but was so sick and weak for months, faithful friends showed up to put me in and and take me out of my wheelchair and drive me to the dialysis center and sit with me for hours talking to me and making me laugh to distract me. Other friends drove me to parks and gardens and wheeled me around so I could enjoy some beauty- and one very kind and loving friend drove me to Phoenix to make sure I wouldn't miss the birth of my first grandchild!

The friends that I've raised children with, we now are enjoying welcoming and cherishing grandchildren into our lives together. Each of us celebrating and savoring every new and beautiful life that's added to the next generation and we share in and know each other's joy.

I learned to be a wife and mama from older women in the church - gaining and growing in a vision for the ministry of motherhood. We raised our kids with good friends who were in the same season of life.  And now, as an older woman myself,  I am a part of helping young women learn to be wives and mamas too.

Many people throughout the years with various gifts and skills have invested in our community- in us and our children. We've had: (just a brief sampling).

• Scientists who've taught our children math, biology, chemistry and physics. 
• Musicians shared their skills in singing, guitar, violin, piano, cello - using them for our worship service and teaching and investing in young musicians and training up the next generation of worship leaders. 
• Artists who've not only taught our kids, but also created beautiful artwork in our homes- one member painted a mural for me on our girls' bedroom walls and another painted a beautiful oil painting for the church and one sewed a community quilt with several junior high girls. It hangs in a prayer room - so beautifully sewn with their names written in the corner.
• Contractors, plumbers and electricians have mentored our sons, helped us with building our homes and remodeling the church. 
• Florists- who shared their knowledge with us twenty years ago- are still having an impact on our community - because we still use what they taught us in helping young brides on their wedding day as we purchase flowers in the LA Flower District, cart them home and work as a group to make bouquets, corsages and centerpieces. 
• Women with culinary skills help us put on brunches, graduation dinners, wedding receptions, baby showers, guest luncheons and funerals. 
• Wonderfully creative teachers who have taught us (who homeschooled) how to be better teachers to our own children and who help us with Children's Ministry.

For twenty-five years, we have walked with this community of believers through every beautiful, messy, painful, sacred, stage of life: pregnancy, birth, childhood, adolescence, college / career, single adulthood, dating, engagement, marriage, working moms, SAHMs, having babies, raising children, schooling them, preparing them for adulthood, empty nesting, seniors, caring for our aging and dying parents.

Through the years, we've been to Celebrations - caravanning through the desert to get to Flagstaff or Las Cruces or Phoenix for church wide retreats;  Women's Retreats, Marriage Retreats, Men's Retreats, Youth Campouts and Girls' Retreats; Camping together as a church, weekly beach days when the kids were small, weekly hiking treks with moms and kids; vacationing with friends, camping together in Kings Canyon...

We've walked together in learning to weather sickness, trials, betrayals, desertions, suffering and even death. And we've grown in cherishing friendships, loving enemies, enduring trials, fighting for joy, walking in obedience, trusting God, resting in His sovereignty and embracing the "hard eucharisteo."

We've had 25 years of leaning hard into God, digging into His Word, applying it to our lives, growing in our faith and obedience. 25 years of sharing life, love, family, work and worship - together as a community.  25 years of living a "Long Obedience in one direction" (Eugene Peterson book).

Maybe I'm feeling a little nostalgic because I'm getting older or because Ron and I have been reflecting and reminding each other more recently of what a wonderful life we've had as we look to celebrating our 25th year of being here in Pasadena- on July 4th.

25 years in this community, in this church, with these people -  that God has Providentially and graciously given us. We are so very grateful.

Maybe reading Hannah Coulter again reminded me of what's important and what needs to be remembered and treasured and celebrated.

Ron and I completed our first Christian Counseling and Education Foundation Course: The Dynamics of Biblical Change!  This was the foundational, prerequisite course we were required to take in order to pursue a certificate in their counseling program.

We will take the summer off and continue again in the fall.  What a great experience! It was fun to take the class together - it provided rich material for great conversations and reflection - both on a personal and ministry level.

My favorite thing: as we were learning, God brought people into our lives who were facing some of the issues we were covering in the class lectures and extra reading assignments. We were able to turn right around and invest in others what we were gleaning.

Three Days of Wonderful.

Stayed here.

Dined.

Swam.

Gazed.

Biked.

Drove.

Anger

Best article on Anger that I've read:  The Constructive Displeasure of Mercy from the Journal of Biblical Counseling.

The Gift of Remembering.

Another kindness God has provided in this course is a biblical grid or lens to evaluate and analyze our past experiences - especially the last four very difficult and painful years that we experienced with our church and my health-validating the things we knew about God-his sovereignty and his purposes in our trials and suffering. 

We've been able to go back over the past few years, review and recount what was happening and trace God's hand in and on our lives - and see all the ways he was working, training, molding, discipling and changing us. Sometimes, in the middle of a trial, it's so hard to see beyond the pain and difficulty and we can be tempted to lose heart. Sometimes, it takes all your energy to just survive. 

Being able to think deeply and write about our experiences and see God's providential work in our circumstances has really been a gift to us. Ron is also taking the class and it is providing hours of wonderful conversation between us as we remember and rejoice in all that God did and is doing!

While the last four years were excruciatingly difficult - we can say with all honesty- we can count it all joy and are grateful for what God has done- and continues to do- in our hearts through that season. 

New Season

In the second week of January, I began my first course in the CCEF School of Biblical Counseling: Dynamics of Biblical Change.  I've been thinking about what to do with my time, now that most of the kids are gone and we're looking at an "empty nest" in the near future.  I had attended a CCEF conference last fall and started the process of investigating the possibility of enrolling. It's a big undertaking for me - so I've been a little hunkered down lately - immersing myself in studying. While it has been stretching, (I'm taking it for credit - so I'm doing all the reading, homework and writing papers) it also has been so very rewarding!

The unique thing about this program is that it's not just cold academics- the material we are working with is profound, rich and vibrant. We're studying resounding and redeeming truths that cut to the core of who we are and offer real answers to real problems.

The unexpected gift of this course has been the personal benefits of interacting with the topics (suffering, sin, anger, etc) and doing the heart-work ourselves and thereby being trained- "qualified" -to comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

Happy New Year!

Christmas is over. We had an unusual holiday - we packed up and headed over to AZ and had some time with the whole family Christmas Night. We attended a lovely Christmas Eve Service at the Gilbert Church where Zach played piano.  I think it was the first Christmas in 30 years that we weren't in our own home hosting the festivities. Although it was different, it was so good to be able to be together celebrating with our ever expanding family - new husbands (sons-in-laws) and new grand-babies: Parker and Chloe.

After Christmas, we drove to Lakeside, AZ - just outside of ShowLow.  We, and several other families, shared a cabin and guest house prettily situated on a quiet lake.  We had a wonderful time just hanging out, reading, talking, knitting, playing cards, bowling, going out for a movie, being with family and holding Parker.

Our New Year's Gift was a beautiful snowfall- six inches of fluffy white that covered the trees and turned our scenery into Narnia. Magical!  What a beautiful way to start the New Year!

It was so good to have an extended time to just do nothing - relax and get recharged. We drove back through Payson - what a beautiful drive through mountains and snow covered pine trees! We will definitely plan some more family vacations in Payson in the coming years.